Life is so funny because you think you look good today and a year later you look even better.

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That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

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Accidentally manifested an emotionally intelligent man that is hot and can cook. We’re currently staring at each other.

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Wine must breathe. I always hear that wine needs to breathe. I want to drink it and not revive it.

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They portray Pilates like it’s this cute girly thing and it’s actually training for combat.

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I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones.

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When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black.

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My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets, and now I’ll never eat again.

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Yes, my sex drive is higher than my will to live, and what about it?

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When I die, I hope I’m remembered for my ability to take any bad situation and make it worse.

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Every guy wants to be called Daddy till that test comes back positive.