Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes. Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”.

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How I clean my room: 1. Start in one corner. 2. Find something from six years ago and stare at it nostalgically for five hours. 3. Go to bed.

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I’m officially at the age where I enjoy when people cancel plans.

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My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

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You think you’ve seen gold diggers, until you see a male friend group where only one of them made it.

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The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor. The bad news: They will only do it when you’re wrong.

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Lord of the Rings is wild cause Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “Ok, can I bring my gardener?”

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Dear brain, please finally learn the difference between hunger and boredom. I’m getting fat.

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I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

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Even Hotmail is hotter than me.

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Have you fallen in love with me yet, or do I need to post more nonsense?