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The crematorium is my last hope for a hot body.

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A garlic a day keeps people away.

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Life hack: Allow yourself 8โ€“12 hours of alone time every morning to prepare for the day.

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King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

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The more you embrace your crazy side, the more fun life becomes.

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A man’s home is his castle, but his garage is his sanctuary.

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Therapy is expensive, getting lost in the woods and never being seen again is free.

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Mothers will invent chores just to be mad you’re not doing them too.

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Social media may have been a mistake.

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I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.

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My hobbies include saying, โ€œIโ€™m so tired,โ€ and then staying up for three more hours doing nothing.

My hobbies include saying, โ€œIโ€™m so tired,โ€ and then staying up for three more hours doing nothing.

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Relatable level: expert procrastinator unlocking next-level exhaustion ๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿ˜ด๐ŸŽฎ

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