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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇰🇳 has shared:

I’m not drunk enough for this Teams meeting.

Someone from 🇮🇶 has downloaded:

I don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, I am either not mad or will kill you.

Someone from 🇲🇲 has bookmarked:

I feel like Mario has more raw prowess, but Luigi is probably the more sensual lover.

Someone from 🇧🇭 has bookmarked:

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

Someone from 🇦🇷 has downloaded:

Anyone who thinks being a pessimist isn’t any fun fails to appreciate the joy of saying, ‘I told you so.’

Someone from 🇨🇳 has shared:

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one. There’s no in-between.

Someone from 🇩🇿 has shared:

Country music is for men who need a little help crying.

Someone from 🇳🇵 has shared:

If life was a video game, right now would be the time where I randomly press buttons because I don’t know what to do.

Someone from 🇬🇧 has shared:

Home is where you can walk around like a bum.

Someone from 🇦🇿 has copied:

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

Users Online

3,463

Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on Messenger:

Staring at the sky for answers, nothing new.

Seen just now on TikTok:

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime.

Going viral on TikTok:

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

Live now on LinkedIn:

The final act of love is not texting them happy birthday.

Trending via Instagram:

My outfit is from Gucci and the body from Ferrero.

Shared recently on Threads:

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking.

Making waves on Pinterest:

Can we skip to the rich part?

Going viral on Threads:

NFTs were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

Just landed via Instagram:

No matter how messed up your situation is, someone on Reddit’s already lived it, cried about it, and made a 3-part update with screenshots and farmed 12k upvotes.

Just shared via Snapchat:

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is, really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

1 week ago

Funny Quotes

Playful quote about the chaos of parenting and pet demands, full of humorous wit.

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Commentary:
When you realize you're just the butler in your own home 😂🐶🍽️

another, asking, chores, dog, family, feed, humor, humor about pets, i, kids, parenting, pet, pets, responsibility, walk

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24 shares on Snapchat this month:

I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.

12 shares on Threads this month:

“I’m going to try underthinking about a situation, and see if that works.”

16 shares on Reddit this month:

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out.

82 shares on WhatsApp this month:

My level of sarcasm’s gotten to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.

80 shares on Telegram this month:

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much.

39 shares on YouTube this month:

Explain it to me like I’m 5 drinks in.

94 shares on YouTube this month:

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

95 shares on Messenger this month:

I don’t do anything with my life except romanticize and decay with indecision.

55 shares on Messenger this month:

Sailors wish they could swear like me.

57 shares on X this month:

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇪🇪 has shared:

How is this the same brain that used to remember everybody’s phone numbers?

Someone from 🇻🇨 has bookmarked:

All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

Someone from 🇼🇸 has downloaded:

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

Someone from 🇧🇷 has downloaded:

They say dress for the job you want, but this baby diaper isn’t very comfortable.

Someone from 🇧🇷 has downloaded:

Your skull is the only thing preventing your brain from floating away, unburdened as it is by any meaningful thought to anchor it.

Someone from 🇳🇷 has shared:

I hate being at the age where you feel obligated to buy your whole family gifts for Christmas, but also the age where your bank account doesn’t feel obligated to support that.

Someone from 🇨🇦 has viewed:

Sex is cool but have you ever had a king size bed all to yourself.

Someone from 🇹🇩 has downloaded:

Channeling my inner pretzel to achieve expert-level bad posture.

Someone from 🇰🇬 has copied:

There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s.

Someone from 🇫🇯 has shared:

My favorite childhood memory is not paying bills.

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on TikTok:

The lion can’t keep living like this.

Spotted on Threads:

Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is.

Going bananas on Slack:

Roses are red, tacos are delicious. I use paper plates, ’cause I hate doing dishes.

Just shared via Facebook:

This book ain’t got no pictures.

Going viral on Threads:

My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now, when she’s mad at me, I just say, “Linda wouldn’t get mad about that.”

Shared recently on Reddit:

The only thing Flat Earthers have to fear is sphere itself.

Spotted on LinkedIn:

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

Spotted on Threads:

What are cats even trying to do?

Freshly posted on Messenger:

I found out my husband was cheating on me at a Linkin Park concert. We tried so hard and got so far, but in the end, it didn’t even matter.

Shared recently on Instagram:

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

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Activity Log ✨

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

Thank God they have medical marijuana in this state. I need it for my joints.

Channeling my inner forest ghost: hauntingly fabulous and slightly lost.

I’ve convinced myself bumblebees don’t sting because they’re too fluffy and cute.

They should invent a good thing that happens.

If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.

It’s been too long since I partook in shenanigans.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Thank God they have medical marijuana in this state. I need it for my joints.

Channeling my inner forest ghost: hauntingly fabulous and slightly lost.

I’ve convinced myself bumblebees don’t sting because they’re too fluffy and cute.

They should invent a good thing that happens.

If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.

It’s been too long since I partook in shenanigans.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨