My role at Thanksgiving dinner is to Blair Witch it alone in the corner.

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I love when men remind me I’m evil because sometimes I be thinking I’m losing my spark.

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She’s a 10, but she says ‘Orwellian’ when it’s clearly ‘Kafkaesque”.

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This year has been the perfect blend of me losing my mind and having the time of my life.

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Your honor, when I said I wanted to be held, I didn’t mean in contempt.

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You ever liked a song so much you restart it before it even finishes?

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Beds are always the coziest when it’s time to get up and you don’t want to.

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I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

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He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach.

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The fatigue is reaching levels that shouldn’t even be possible.

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Well, well, well, if it isn’t that thing I’ve been ignoring until it became a giant problem.