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Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how wrestlers do.

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“Thanks for your payment!” Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

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Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.

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About 40 muscles are activated when you eat just one donut. Follow me for more fitness advice.

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It turns out, as you get older, you don’t actually figure anything out; you just don’t have any energy to care anymore.

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The cool thing about Twitter is you’re never the craziest one.

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Honestly, I don’t even play an active role in my life any more. Things just happen and I’m like “I guess this is what we’re doing now.”

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I want to be in Metallica, and they will not let me.

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The thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have.

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A political guy who supports communism because he hates applying for jobs and just wants to be assigned somewhere.