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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇻🇪 has shared:

December turns me into someone who believes a fat man with a beard can fix everything.

Someone from 🇨🇩 has bookmarked:

My bank account may not be full but my sink, laundry basket and arteries sure are.

Someone from 🇱🇸 has downloaded:

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

Someone from 🇿🇼 has copied:

Being a millennial means finding out you can’t afford to live in that apartment complex you thought was really shady when you were a kid.

Someone from 🇷🇴 has bookmarked:

I came up with my passwords when I was 12, and never looked back.

Someone from 🇧🇾 has viewed:

Can’t. Typing a password into a TV.

Someone from 🇱🇷 has bookmarked:

On average, my daily actions demonstrate I’m probably good at something else.

Someone from 🇩🇴 has viewed:

What doesn’t kill you makes you wish it did.

Someone from 🇹🇬 has copied:

Mixing 1% milk and 2% milk to create the forbidden 1.72% milk.

Someone from 🇹🇹 has bookmarked:

Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.

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Funny Quotes Total

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Updated

Jan 20, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on LinkedIn:

There’s no filter on my pics or my thoughts. I’m just out here raw-dogging it.

Just shared via Snapchat:

Do you mind if I become the object of your desire? No worries if not.

Just shared via Slack:

I changed my password to ‘incorrect’ so whenever I forget it, the computer tells me it’s incorrect, and I’m like, ‘Wow, you didn’t have to be so rude about it.’

Breaking via Telegram:

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

Just shared via X:

Sunday without HBO feels like a meal without carbs — empty and deeply wrong.

Going viral on Telegram:

The greatest allies fascism and genocide have are the people who say, “I don’t follow the news, it’s too depressing.”

Making waves on Snapchat:

Depression is embarrassing because sometimes it makes you miss appointments and not return phone calls, and when the fog starts to lift, you gotta do a whole bloody apology tour.

Trending via Discord:

I love how every website has a “Keep me signed in on this computer” button and it’s just straight up bullshit.

Trending via WhatsApp:

Family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly.

Making waves on X:

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

One day I’ll have a sassy, know-it-all daughter, and my husband will say, “She got that from you,” and I can’t wait.

1 day ago

Funny Quotes

Funny quote about expecting a sassy daughter and witty family moments.

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Commentary:
That’s called karma in high heels and a tiara 👠👑😂

daughter, day, family, got, humor, husband, i, know-it-all, parenting, personality, personality traits, Sassy, say, traits, wait

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63 shares on Slack this month:

Accidentally manifested an emotionally intelligent man that is hot and can cook. We’re currently staring at each other.

40 shares on Twitch this month:

“I’m still young”, I tell myself, as my knees make popping noises while standing up.

85 shares on Facebook this month:

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

80 shares on Snapchat this month:

Hair is unwashed, so I obviously feel like I’m fundamentally unlovable.

71 shares on WeChat this month:

Gonna vibe recklessly and call it “character development”

47 shares on Reddit this month:

What are y’all gonna do when those labubus come to life and start biting y’alls ankles?

31 shares on Threads this month:

On Halloween, I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice. Only while supplies last.

89 shares on Pinterest this month:

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

15 shares on Facebook this month:

God gives the most irritable bowels to the most beautiful angels.

64 shares on LinkedIn this month:

“Why does my back always hurt?”, I say, while never sitting upright in a chair.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇲🇭 has shared:

I don’t hate you, I just don’t want to see you alive.

Someone from 🇫🇷 has bookmarked:

Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face.

Someone from 🇲🇳 has bookmarked:

Sorry I’m late — I was standing in the shower, thinking about stuff.

Someone from 🇦🇷 has shared:

These days, I only use Facebook as a birthday calendar.

Someone from 🇹🇯 has bookmarked:

Therapy isn’t enough. I need a new identity and a passport.

Someone from 🇧🇸 has viewed:

Men who tell their woman she’s pretty, for no particular reason, keep that shit up.

Someone from 🇬🇦 has bookmarked:

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

Someone from 🇸🇧 has shared:

The night is dark and full of terrors. My day is long and full of meetings. Same thing.

Someone from 🇫🇲 has viewed:

No wine. No peace. Know wine. Know peace.

Someone from 🇦🇫 has bookmarked:

Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.

Social Media Log 💫

Trending via Snapchat:

I may join the cicadas this summer and just scream for six weeks straight.

Making waves on Pinterest:

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

Shared recently on Discord:

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

Going viral on LinkedIn:

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” and maintain eye contact.

Spreading quickly via Telegram:

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Spotted on Twitch:

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

Broadcasted on Pinterest:

I wish every day had 30,000 hours, and that I had unlimited Adderall and was unemployed.

Shared recently on WhatsApp:

Winter hack: Avoid the cold by never leaving your house.

Just shared via X:

What is it called when you’re smart but everything you do is freaking stupid?

Going bananas on Telegram:

Therapy is basically me saying, “I did a thing,” and my therapist saying, “Yay, good job!”

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Activity Log ✨

One day I’ll have a sassy, know-it-all daughter, and my husband will say, “She got that from you,” and I can’t wait.

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

Nobody is busier than a woman who isn’t into you.

If a zombie and vampire bite each other, who turns who?

The cost of living has gotten so high, I’m thinking about having a nap for dinner.

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill”. If it’s so good, why don’t you pay it?

Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

One day I’ll have a sassy, know-it-all daughter, and my husband will say, “She got that from you,” and I can’t wait.

Keep the laugh going 😂

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

Nobody is busier than a woman who isn’t into you.

If a zombie and vampire bite each other, who turns who?

The cost of living has gotten so high, I’m thinking about having a nap for dinner.

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill”. If it’s so good, why don’t you pay it?

Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

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