I just need my friends to know I would do absolutely anything for them, except reply to their message. Posted onMay 29, 2026
You should be able to wash your hair and it stays washed. What do you mean I have to do it again? Posted onMay 29, 2026
The best part of having a failing memory is that you can wrap up presents for yourself, and when it comes time to open them, you are honestly surprised. Posted onMay 29, 2026
The Velvet Underground probably wouldn’t have been so influential if I was at their shows with a giant magnet and pulled their guitars out of their hands. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I do not use AI, I use Reddit commenters’ opinions as fact because they are right. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Monetizing Twitter was actually the worst thing to happen to this app. Everybody rage-baiting for 23 cents. Posted onMay 29, 2026
They say sugar can’t fix your problems. Yeah, well, neither can broccoli. At least cake puts in the effort. Posted onMay 29, 2026
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer. Posted onMay 29, 2026
You don’t become cooler with age, but you do care progressively less about being cool, which is the only true way of being cool. This is called the Geezer’s Paradox. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Welcome to your 40s. You’re home from the party before you used to go out for the party in your 20s. Posted onMay 29, 2026
In your 20s, there will be an evil narcissist demon disguised as the man of your dreams. It’s important that you run from that loser before he steals your light. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I have this ability where I can look at someone’s profile picture and determine whether they are evil or not. Posted onMay 29, 2026
In your twenties, there may be love. It’s very important to ignore this love and pursue a master’s instead. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I highly recommend getting yourself a “How can I help” partner and not a “You will be fine” partner. Posted onMay 29, 2026
In your 20s, there will be a cat, and it is very important to get that cat and spend so much money on it. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Commenting “AI slop” on a high school acquaintance’s Instagram post of their newborn baby. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Oh my God, “unc” means uncool. I thought it meant uncle. Like you’re carrying the energy of someone’s weird uncle. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Sex is great, but have you ever had your alarm go off and then realize you don’t have to get up today? Posted onMay 29, 2026
The most dangerous drinking game I play, is seeing how long I can go without coffee. Posted onMay 29, 2026