I’m gonna turn all this pain into something beautiful, like a poorly timed joke that makes everyone feel weird. Posted onMay 28, 2026
What would you do if you were in my situation right now? The situation being that I’m drunk. Posted onMay 28, 2026
You’ve agreed to go out with me, so that’s going to immediately count against you. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I once made a joke to a coworker, and she said, “It was the funniest thing I ever said,” and suggested I post it. It got 10 likes. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I know it’s bad, and you’ve got to shut it down right away, but is there anything more hilarious than a swearing toddler? Posted onMay 28, 2026
Saturday Night Fever, but it’s just me yelling, “Five, six, seven, eight!” while my cat lies down and refuses to participate. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Accidentally said I was on a diet instead of in a calorie deficit, and now everyone knows I’m from the 1900s. Posted onMay 28, 2026
My hobbies include saying, “I’m so tired,” and then staying up for three more hours doing nothing. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I hate when I turn off my brights for an incoming vehicle and then realize it’s a Cybertruck. Posted onMay 28, 2026
If you have nothing nice to say, I promise you that I’ll have something even worse to say back. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Every time a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of wings on the front porch to show them what I’m capable of. Posted onMay 28, 2026
When I was a little kid, I used to think, “This little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping! Posted onMay 28, 2026
I’m glad cars were invented. Imagine riding a horse at 3 a.m., coming back from the club. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Men love when you ask them to explain something to you. It is considered a sign of deep respect in their culture. Posted onMay 28, 2026