I told a joke to my boss, and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I’m so jealous of people who know how to shut up. I shut up, and subtitles come out my face. Posted onMay 28, 2026
The problem is that younger me didn’t account for the fact that there’d be an older me. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Many fruits can be great names… but the real challenge is naming a child after a vegetable…. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Free marriage tip: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she is mowing the lawn. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I hate when I get ready too quickly and have to sit on the couch, fully dressed, and wait like an idiot. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Dating again after you break up with a long-term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again, except with less health. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I need to get my shit together, but at this point, I’m waiting to see if the world is going to end before I put any real effort in. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Sitting in a room with my husband and kids… Suddenly I realize everyone here has been in my vagina. Wow. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Daily reminder that you’re biologically programmed to get laid, eat good food, connect with other humans, and enjoy yourself. Everything else is literally made up. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I feel like I’ve skipped the whole ‘go out and have fun’ stage and went straight to being an 80-year-old woman. Posted onMay 28, 2026
If you wear glasses, we expect a lot from you academically, especially if your glasses have a rope. Posted onMay 28, 2026
When someone has “Do Not Disturb” on, it’s like, oh, okay, I didn’t realize the great philosopher was in their hour of seclusion. Pardon me for even daring to enter their precious mind palace. Posted onMay 28, 2026
When a girl says “5 mins,” think about it like five minutes left in the 4th quarter, and both teams have all their timeouts. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I love canceling plans. I didn’t want to go in the first place. I just wanted to be invited. Posted onMay 28, 2026
People out there having five-year plans, and here I am waking up just hoping I remember what day it is. Posted onMay 28, 2026
After my funeral, I want one of my friends to take my phone and text everyone, “Thanks for coming.” Posted onMay 28, 2026
Sometimes, I feel like I need love, but the moment I finish eating, I realize I was just hungry. Posted onMay 28, 2026
My favorite machine at the gym is the one where you put change in, and snacks come out. Posted onMay 28, 2026
No one lies more than a parent who says, “We’ll see.” You know we’re not seeing anything. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I have no idea how dishwasher tablets work. I’ve already taken five of them, and I still don’t feel like doing the dishes! Posted onMay 28, 2026
Life tip: If all of your bathrooms are full and you’re waiting for someone to finish, just turn off the WiFi in the house. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Cocktails can be tricky, because they taste like juice, but then the next thing you know… you can’t walk. Posted onMay 28, 2026