Please pray for our son, who had to unload the dishwasher when “he just did this yesterday, and he’s tired.” Posted onMay 28, 2026
If you pretend you’re erasing the evidence of a murder while cleaning the bathroom, you’ll do a better job, and it actually becomes fun! Posted onMay 28, 2026
I wanna be a jellyfish— no heart, no brain, no feelings, no pain— just blub blub blub. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Growing your own tomatoes really is the best way to devote 3 months of your life to saving $2.17. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Next time I feel butterflies, I’m chugging down a bottle of tequila so they drown. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I’ve never wrestled an angry alligator, but I have taken off a wet sports bra in the middle of summer. So, same thing. Posted onMay 28, 2026
After you’ve been married a long time, you become able to communicate nonverbally. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s why we never speak. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Going on dates is hard because do I like them or do I just have sooo much fun being me. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Fun fact: Did you know that removing junk food from your diet can help you lose up to 90% of your will to live? Posted onMay 28, 2026
There’s no post-breakup healing process for girls. You just wake up one day and be like, “Ew,” and you’re free. Posted onMay 28, 2026
The next time someone texts me “we need to talk,” I’ll reply, “Yes, we really need to talk,” so that I won’t be the only one stressing. Posted onMay 28, 2026
My favorite part of adulting is borrowing money from myself and paying myself back. Posted onMay 28, 2026
How am I supposed to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next. Posted onMay 28, 2026
The walk of shame, except it’s me at a bowling alley walking back to sit down after I knock down zero pins with bumpers. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Wait… if you’re circling back and I’m touching base, who the hell is monitoring the situation? Posted onMay 28, 2026
Can we call situationships ‘affairs’ again? It sounds more adult and less desperate. Posted onMay 28, 2026
You know it’s bad when people start telling you that you are the strongest person they’ve ever met. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Sometimes I can’t believe people have had the honor of experiencing my love and chose to hurt me instead. Posted onMay 28, 2026
You know you’re getting old when you get mad at some random car parked outside your house. Posted onMay 28, 2026