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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇱🇮 has shared:

For your own sanity, always take mixed signals as a no.

Someone from 🇸🇴 has bookmarked:

Just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing an ice-cream truck.

Someone from 🇼🇸 has copied:

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast, it had to be done by Elvis.

Someone from 🇯🇴 has shared:

It’s not my fault that when I said you looked “stunning” you assumed I meant in a positive way.

Someone from 🇻🇪 has shared:

I wasn’t sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and shit myself.

Someone from 🇸🇦 has copied:

Every day is a D-Day, if you’re a stutterer.

Someone from 🇩🇲 has shared:

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

Someone from 🇷🇸 has copied:

Family Guy is so insane because, why were people dating that dog?

Someone from 🇰🇭 has downloaded:

My life goal is to make you feel as awkward or awesome as you are making me feel.

Someone from 🇩🇲 has bookmarked:

My favorite pastime is looking for meaning where there is none.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

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17,765

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Updated

Jan 20, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via Snapchat:

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

Making waves on Reddit:

Best time to reach me is when I’m at work. Don’t bother me when I’m at home.

Just landed via WeChat:

Friends with consequences.

Just shared via WhatsApp:

I love you to the refrigerator and back.

Just shared via Slack:

Showering at night is so sexy and clean and self-care vibes. Showering in the morning is so productivity core, cog in the machine core.

Trending via Facebook:

There is a special place reserved in hell for website designers who disable cut and paste in password fields.

Making waves on WhatsApp:

I love diss tracks because it’s basically two dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

Breaking via LinkedIn:

Stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “I think it’s so brave that you’re here”.

Going viral on Messenger:

I love when people say “be yourself,” like I haven’t already been doing that and scaring everyone off.

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory. It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

2 months ago

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"Remember, perfume is meant to make heads turn, not make heads roll! 🐤💨💀"

accessory, canary, exaggeration, fragrance, humor, invisible, invisible accessory, kill, perfume, room, scent

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62 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I had to quit my job because people kept falling in love with me there.

49 shares on Snapchat this month:

Being a writer means canceling your plans so you have time to write, and then spending hours avoiding writing.

72 shares on Reddit this month:

Nothing bores me like twins who don’t look alike, you should’ve just dropped later if you’re not going to participate.

82 shares on Pinterest this month:

I find pleasure in closing tabs in my wife’s brain. This worry… done. That task… complete.

92 shares on TikTok this month:

The first bowl of cereal makes you want a second, but the second makes you wish you stopped at the first.

68 shares on YouTube this month:

Forget pheromones, barbecue smells are always attractive.

94 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point.

74 shares on WhatsApp this month:

If I was a fish, I’d be smoking all the seaweed.

12 shares on Slack this month:

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

68 shares on TikTok this month:

Been telling everyone, “It’s been a good year for horses.” No idea whether that’s true or not, but they keep nodding like it makes a lot of sense.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇳🇵 has shared:

Wife bought something on FB Marketplace, but she’s afraid she’ll get kidnapped, so she sends me to pick it up from a guy whose wife sent him because she’s afraid to get kidnapped.

Someone from 🇰🇲 has shared:

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

Someone from 🇦🇺 has bookmarked:

Signed an Executive Order that you have to give me a little forehead kiss.

Someone from 🇰🇼 has shared:

I don’t know how to knit, so I made you a tinfoil hat.

Someone from 🇬🇷 has viewed:

Everybody’s back hurts until it’s time to have sexy time.

Someone from 🇪🇹 has copied:

Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

Someone from 🇦🇹 has viewed:

Used shampoo containing caffeine. My hair is already on its way to work.

Someone from 🇩🇴 has downloaded:

The Gulf of Mexico should’ve been renamed to Sea Señor.

Someone from 🇲🇰 has downloaded:

The dopamine hit of getting an Outlook meeting cancellation is unrivaled.

Someone from 🇾🇪 has viewed:

Can I be speaker? I’m pretty good at saying a lot without saying anything at all.

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via WhatsApp:

If only men knew the power “I made reservations, I’ll pick you up at 7” held instead of “I don’t know, whatever you wanna do.”

Shared recently on Telegram:

You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.

Spreading quickly via Telegram:

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk because half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said.

Freshly posted on Twitch:

Your dog immediately knows you’re leaving when you put on nice clothes… only because you usually look homeless when you’re at home.

Just shared via WhatsApp:

Age range on my dating app set to 40+. Y’all fighting over grapes while I’m drinking wine.

Breaking via Telegram:

The best cuddles are the ones where you don’t have to deflate her when you’re done.

Trending via Discord:

You don’t realize how incorrect and annoying YouTube video essays are until they’re about something you like.

Just shared via Slack:

The minute I start feeling like a mother to a man, the relationship is over.

Just landed via Pinterest:

I knew school was a scam when my business teacher didn’t own a business, and my PE teacher was fat.

Just landed via Threads:

You’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat.

Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory. It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

“She’s so self-centered”—who’s supposed to be the center of my life? You?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The man who invented autocorrect walks into a barn. He orders a bear.

That annoying moment when you’re texting someone and autocorrect decides to join the conversation.

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.

I need carpenters to remember that beds are also for sex. The aesthetics are great and all, but what is with all the squeaking?

Social Media Stars ⭐

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Activity Log ✨

Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory. It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

Keep the laugh going 😂

“She’s so self-centered”—who’s supposed to be the center of my life? You?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The man who invented autocorrect walks into a barn. He orders a bear.

That annoying moment when you’re texting someone and autocorrect decides to join the conversation.

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.

I need carpenters to remember that beds are also for sex. The aesthetics are great and all, but what is with all the squeaking?

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨