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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇵🇼 has bookmarked:

“Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight!” Okay, then explain bayonets to me.

Someone from 🇦🇩 has viewed:

Welcome to your 40’s: See that kid dressed up like a cop? He is a cop.

Someone from 🇮🇹 has shared:

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi.

Someone from 🇳🇦 has viewed:

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

Someone from 🇵🇦 has bookmarked:

You know where I’d like to go? Missing.

Someone from 🇸🇳 has bookmarked:

Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries: it fills you up nicely but without the buzz…

Someone from 🇸🇾 has downloaded:

If it turns cold one more time, I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up.

Someone from 🇹🇭 has copied:

It’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle.

Someone from 🇬🇦 has bookmarked:

My summer body has been pending for about ten years.

Someone from 🇹🇷 has viewed:

Changing my relationship status from “Single” to “I give up.”

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15,752

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Updated

Jan 20, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on Messenger:

I lied, there’s no sex. I just needed help getting out of my skinny jeans.

Spotted on Pinterest:

My kid asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

Just shared via Threads:

The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.

Going bananas on Slack:

At this point of my celibacy, I can see the same colors as mantis shrimp. What do you know about blorange and gurple?

Just landed via YouTube:

Be bold, be italic, but never regular.

Spotted on WhatsApp:

Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute.

Making waves on WhatsApp:

My favorite part about having a Peloton is telling people I have a Peloton.

Seen just now on WeChat:

I like you because we hate the same people.

Live now on Telegram:

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

Shared recently on YouTube:

Striking gold in your 40s: finding a close parking spot that’s in the shade on a hot summer day.

Pretty messed up that my body, a chemistry lab made of meat, simply chooses to make me feel a little bit nervous for no reason.

2 months ago

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When your body's like, "Let's sprinkle a bit of anxiety on this perfectly normal day for extra flavor!" 🧪🤪✨

anxiety, biology, bit, body, chemistry, chemistry lab, emotion, feel, feeling, human, lab, little, me, meat, nervous, pretty, reason, simply

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Social Media Stars ⭐

27 shares on Pinterest this month:

I’m capable of doing a lot of things but listening to people chew their food is not one of them.

78 shares on TikTok this month:

There’s just one legitimate synonym for Friday: boom shakalaka.

63 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I lied, there’s no sex. I just need you to change the batteries in my smoke detectors.

55 shares on Telegram this month:

Not being able to teleport is continuing to be a huge inconvenience for me.

70 shares on Facebook this month:

Are oranges called oranges because they are orange, or is the color orange called orange because an orange is orange?

74 shares on Pinterest this month:

Somehow I picked the worst possible decade to try to have a career.

78 shares on Pinterest this month:

It sucks when you realize it’s only Thursday, until you realize it’s only Wednesday.

76 shares on X this month:

“God has a plan for you!” Okay, well, I have some notes for him.

34 shares on Facebook this month:

When something Asian becomes popular enough, it becomes Mexican.

95 shares on X this month:

My toxic trait is that I give my friends mental health advice when I belong in an asylum.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇸🇴 has bookmarked:

The world contains protons, neutrons, electrons, and morons.

Someone from 🇲🇪 has copied:

Walmart was wild as hell today, so I fit right in.

Someone from 🇬🇷 has downloaded:

Considering that doctors are never on time, they should tell you to come a half hour late, not early.

Someone from 🇹🇭 has viewed:

If you ever need me, I’m always just a couple missed calls and text messages away.

Someone from 🇨🇳 has viewed:

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

Someone from 🇸🇧 has copied:

I’ve never been kissed under the cameltoe or whatever it’s called.

Someone from 🇬🇦 has shared:

Dear predictive text, I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

Someone from 🇩🇰 has shared:

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

Someone from 🇱🇾 has downloaded:

I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me.

Someone from 🇸🇦 has viewed:

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via Pinterest:

Can drunk people actually not control their actions or is it just an excuse to do some crazy stuff?

Just landed via WeChat:

Go ahead and use that semi-colon; no one will know you’re doing it wrong.

Just shared via X:

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

Freshly posted on Threads:

Major cheat code in life: ask for the big, unreasonable thing. The universe meets you at your level of audacity.

Seen just now on Snapchat:

You don’t get to tell me what to do, you’re not my cat.

Seen just now on Facebook:

Wisdom of the day: Don’t do anything you don’t want to explain to the paramedic.

Seen just now on WeChat:

A Southerner dies every time you people type “ya’ll” instead of “y’all,” btw.

Just landed via WhatsApp:

All I think about is death and sex.

Making waves on Twitch:

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

Spreading quickly via Pinterest:

“I asked ChatGPT.” Okay, well, I asked Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

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Activity Log ✨

Pretty messed up that my body, a chemistry lab made of meat, simply chooses to make me feel a little bit nervous for no reason.

Apparently, stress balls are not supposed to be thrown at people who are stressing you out.

I’ve just learned terrible news. My department at work is planning a team-building retreat. Thank you for your thoughts during this difficult time.

I can actually be quite charming if you would let me out of the guillotine.

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

Drink coffee, avoid idiots, read books and repeat.

Don’t worry, I’m only dead inside from the waist up.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Pretty messed up that my body, a chemistry lab made of meat, simply chooses to make me feel a little bit nervous for no reason.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Apparently, stress balls are not supposed to be thrown at people who are stressing you out.

I’ve just learned terrible news. My department at work is planning a team-building retreat. Thank you for your thoughts during this difficult time.

I can actually be quite charming if you would let me out of the guillotine.

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

Drink coffee, avoid idiots, read books and repeat.

Don’t worry, I’m only dead inside from the waist up.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨