Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong here.

66 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy: Go shopping and leave them at home with their dad.

15 shares on Messenger this month:

Nothing really prepares you for when your favorite sweatpants begin to fall apart.

63 shares on Snapchat this month:

I’ve cooked for men I should have poisoned, so yeah, I do have self-control.

95 shares on Facebook this month:

Can I come over and shed hair everywhere?

81 shares on YouTube this month:

Yeah, I can explain that gap on my resume, I tried to move a picture in Word.

71 shares on Facebook this month:

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello.” My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact and hope it goes away.

25 shares on Messenger this month:

Public transportation is great, but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle.

83 shares on Messenger this month:

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking.

40 shares on Slack this month:

Super quick question: does anyone know what the point is?

87 shares on Instagram this month:

So you like bad boys? Cause I’m bad at everything.