Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant.

Someone from has bookmarked:

Nobody victim blames more than my oldest son when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother.

Someone from has downloaded:

I think my dog always follows me to the bathroom because I always follow him outside and he thinks that’s the way it works.

Someone from has downloaded:

The week before your period doesn’t make any sense… until you realize it’s the week before your period.

Someone from has copied:

When Chuck Norris was born, the doctor got slapped.

Someone from has downloaded:

Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile, I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.

Someone from has bookmarked:

I’m not scared of love, I’m scared of insufficient cash.

Someone from has downloaded:

You want fast replies from a female? Argue with her!

Someone from has bookmarked:

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older. Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

Someone from has downloaded:

The way turkeys feel about November is probably how treadmills feel about January.

Someone from has downloaded:

Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.