Someday I will make a sandwich that will change my life forever.

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The older I get, the easier it is for me to look at a situation and say: “Yeahhh, I’m out.”

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The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.

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“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

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Most people think that I’m arrogant, but who cares what peasants think.

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Dear deodorant manufacturers, please stop writing “72h” on your products. There are people who believe that. And they sit next to me on the bus. Always. All of them!

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To be blocked is to be seen and to be seen is to be loved.

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It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you don’t know the man and he doesn’t know you’re eating his popcorn.

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I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.

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Don’t disrespect me and then be the moral compass on how I respond.

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Welcome to your 40s. You now pay for 7 streaming services, only use 4 and can’t remember the password to any of them.