The first guy to clap after seeing something cool must have been like “what the hell am I doing?”

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If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

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I was waiting on the universe but the universe was actually waiting on me.

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If craziness could fly, some people would have their own airport.

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Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

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Why count sheep when I can count my troubles?

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Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours.

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Because of my looks, everyone only wants one thing from me, that I leave them alone.

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Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

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For me, math class is like watching a foreign movie without subtitles.

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I love when toddlers passionately talk to you about absolutely nothing.