The way men eat when they’re single is nothing short of dehumanizing.

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The problem is that you are in the dating pool when the other fish are in the ocean.

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I’d stalk me too, I get it.

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People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.

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My New Year’s resolution is to procrastinate. I’Il start tomorrow.

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Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

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I like liking Instagram stories because I like pressing buttons.

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Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up.

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I am convinced that size matters, especially when it comes to the heart.

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There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.

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I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.