To get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica.

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Eating rice with my hands, but not in a political way. In a lazy, fat guy way.

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If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

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I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

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Being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like New Jersey.

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Behind every strong, independent woman… is a dog that follows her to the bathroom.

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None of this is happening. It’s all in your phone.

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Women are able to leave the country unexpectedly at any time with the contents of their handbag.

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Fifteen years ago, makeup was all powders and dusts. But now, it’s all goo and liquid. From this, I can infer that by 2040, it will all be made of pigmented gases.

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Sometimes uncontrollable laughter is all you need to get the millions of thoughts out of your head.

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Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead.