Turns out strange women lying in ponds distributing swords was a better basis for a system of government actually.

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“Some men go months without being hugged.” Okay, then they should just hug each other.

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All these microplastics in me could at least do some repair work to my knees and back while they’re in there.

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Being on a diet isn’t so bad if you don’t follow it.

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Having no one to talk would get you a good sleeping schedule.

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I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

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Sometimes I get really mad at myself, but not like mad enough to fight myself or anything like that.

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Stop worrying if people like you. They don’t.

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If you steal enough FitBits, they’ll just give you one for your ankle.

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“Turn down for what?” My ears, fella. My ears.

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The problem with leading by example is that no one pays attention.