“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” encourages you to do something you shouldn’t do.

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In honor of the winter solstice, I also will be cold, distant and filled with darkness.

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Are you a software update, because not now!

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Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

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They are all liars, so just pick the tallest and enjoy.

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I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me.

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I bought a little notebook to keep track of who’s above the law.

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And for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

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In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”

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Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking.

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I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a sabbatical was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”