Went to an antique show and people started bidding on me.

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Just learned in psychology that when a man goes to sleep first, it’s because he’s comfortable around you and wants you to go through his phone.

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They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

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Worst part about not buying snacks so you won’t eat snacks is not having snacks when you need a lil snack.

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I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today.

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If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting, I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

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People need to understand the difference between want and need. Like, I want abs, but I need chocolate.

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Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

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You better be kissing the screen when I send pics.

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“Girls just want to have fun!” No, I want one million dollars cash.

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Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep.