“What’s love?” Grandma sliding money into my hand like a drug dealer. Yeah, man, that’s love.

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Pets don’t talk because the moment they do, the government will tax them.

Someone from 🇲🇺 has viewed:

I don’t need Halloween. I have strange characters around me all year round.

Someone from 🇲🇬 has downloaded:

We’re all in the billionaire submarine now.

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I am awake and ready to be disappointed.

Someone from 🇵🇾 has downloaded:

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

Someone from 🇶🇦 has bookmarked:

I want a man who doesn’t annoy me while I’m constantly getting on his nerves. It can’t be that difficult.

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Mission Impossible theme song plays in my head when I’m trying to remember a password.

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Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my money’s worth.

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Telling my coworkers I can’t talk in meetings today because I need to save my voice for concerts this weekend.

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I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.