36 funny drug quotes - Wordgag

Drugs and alcohol take years off your life and give them to Keith Richards.

May 30, 2026

No substance I ever used was abused. It was loved.

May 29, 2026

Gyms are empty because they’re all on weight loss drugs.

May 29, 2026

As a child, I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.

May 29, 2026

If you smoke pot in Saudi Arabia, you risk getting stoned.

May 29, 2026

Cocaine is God’s way of telling you that you make too much money.

May 29, 2026

Why is everyone’s main goal to get married and have kids? Like, don’t you guys want to do drugs in foreign countries?

May 28, 2026

Aside from cocaine, has anyone figured out what that little pocket on your jeans is for?

May 28, 2026

There should be an Olympics where athletes can take as many drugs as they want. Like, to hell with y’all, let’s see how high humans can really jump.

May 28, 2026

I don’t like people who take drugs, for example: airport security.

May 28, 2026

Drugs do not ruin your career. Drug tests do.

May 28, 2026

You’re telling me this moron’s on oxy.

May 28, 2026

Think I’ll get high enough to find out if there’s a God. Stay tuned.

May 27, 2026

“What’s love?” Grandma sliding money into my hand like a drug dealer. Yeah, man, that’s love.

May 27, 2026

I am re-watching “Narcos,” and I have to say that for someone who smokes so much weed, Pablo Escobar gets a lot done.

May 27, 2026

I wish every day had 30,000 hours, and that I had unlimited Adderall and was unemployed.

May 27, 2026

ALF is what happens when you are high on drugs in the 80s.

May 27, 2026

I wasn’t sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and shit myself.

May 26, 2026

Alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. But you’re not gonna like the performance.

May 25, 2026

We’re all just a bunch of addicts, struggling with our drug of choice.

May 24, 2026

Crazy that caffeine has no short or long-term negative side effects. Just a super drug from God.

May 24, 2026

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

May 23, 2026

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than expected.

May 23, 2026

Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles. “Oh hey, Qdilrox sounds good.”

May 22, 2026

Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone.

May 22, 2026

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects.

May 22, 2026

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

May 22, 2026

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

May 21, 2026

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

May 21, 2026

My employer is totally caring. They pay so poorly that I can’t afford to have an alcohol or drug problem.

May 21, 2026

Drugs don’t ruin lives. Drug tests do.

May 21, 2026

Shoutout to drug dealers for teaching the metric system to Americans.

May 21, 2026

Getting money from the Tooth Fairy is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

May 20, 2026

Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.

May 20, 2026

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

May 20, 2026

“Try it all before you die” is always drugs and sex, never quantum physics.

May 19, 2026