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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇳🇮 has shared:

Doing taxes for an ant who inherited a teaspoon of sugar.

Someone from 🇹🇩 has viewed:

Every morning, the cat watches me make coffee and asks if we can go sit out on the balcony to watch the birds, and every morning I say, yes, of course, let’s.

Someone from 🇸🇹 has viewed:

For someone who is afraid of failure, I’m very unmotivated.

Someone from 🇹🇴 has shared:

I’m ready to try another planet.

Someone from 🇲🇱 has bookmarked:

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be.

Someone from 🇨🇾 has bookmarked:

Just accidentally closed a tab I’ve had been meaning to read for the past two years.

Someone from 🇨🇫 has copied:

Sweet, but twisted. Does that make me a candy cane?

Someone from 🇦🇿 has viewed:

Cows are very calm, considering the whole floor is food to them.

Someone from 🇶🇦 has copied:

Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.

Someone from 🇹🇬 has bookmarked:

They should invent something in between coffee and narcotics.

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15,752

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Updated

Jan 20, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Broadcasted on TikTok:

When two people argue online I believe whoever spells correctly.

Trending via Slack:

You don’t need to leave a message in a bottle. If the bottle is full of tequila, I’ll get the message.

Just landed via LinkedIn:

A marriage is about solving problems together, you know, those problems you wouldn’t have if you were single.

Making waves on TikTok:

People who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day.

Freshly posted on X:

I can resist everything except temptation.

Seen just now on WeChat:

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

Just landed via Snapchat:

Not to brag, but my date returned after using the restroom.

Trending via Instagram:

Welcome to your 40s—you run out of breath trying to find your running shoes.

Trending via Discord:

Might start signing off emails with ‘well, I hope you’re happy’

Just landed via LinkedIn:

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.

When I’m dying, please rush me to the nearest haunted house. I don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

2 months ago

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Commentary:
Heading to the haunted house for my final destination. Rent-free living with ghostly roommates? Count me in! 👻🏚️😂

apartment, dark, dark humor, death, dying, ghost, ghost story, haunt, haunted, haunted house, house, humor, i, me, myself, please, rush, spooky, story, supernatural, want

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18 shares on Snapchat this month:

I get it, funds… I, too, am insufficient.

27 shares on Facebook this month:

My husband asked me if he had any annoying habits then got offended during the PowerPoint presentation.

82 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I love when men go on diets they will be like “let me go for the healthy option”: the buffalo chicken quesadilla.

19 shares on Pinterest this month:

At the end of the day, the day is going to end.

31 shares on X this month:

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

44 shares on Pinterest this month:

“Fox Mulder” is an aggressively sexy name.

40 shares on Reddit this month:

Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board.

11 shares on X this month:

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living, but it’s too late to ask.

52 shares on Discord this month:

I wish it were social acceptable to say “I don’t care” and walk away mid conversation when you’re bored.

67 shares on Slack this month:

Unless you’re dead wearing a sheet, you got no business ghosting people.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇹🇴 has copied:

For financial reasons, I will be passing away.

Someone from 🇬🇲 has downloaded:

“PTO” stands for “prepare the others” because you’re not gonna be there.

Someone from 🇬🇹 has copied:

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

Someone from 🇻🇺 has bookmarked:

Sometimes you have to sit back and imagine what life could be if it wasn’t a horrifying nightmare.

Someone from 🇳🇷 has viewed:

What happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again.

Someone from 🇲🇽 has copied:

Sometimes you really do write a whole poem just to give one beautiful phrase a home.

Someone from 🇿🇼 has copied:

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

Someone from 🇯🇲 has shared:

You look like the kind of person whose recorded calls have been used for training purposes.

Someone from 🇲🇳 has downloaded:

If men didn’t exist, I would simply go for a 2 a.m. walk every night and listen to music in my AirPods.

Someone from 🇹🇲 has bookmarked:

My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them.

Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on LinkedIn:

A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.

Just landed via LinkedIn:

“It gets to a point” is one of my favourite phrases because it literally does get to a point sometimes.

Making waves on X:

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

Making waves on Instagram:

My toxic trait is thinking I deserve a break after sending one email.

Trending via Discord:

As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.

Breaking via Instagram:

I set my alarms extra early to make sure I have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up.

Spotted on Telegram:

Line dancing was created by women waiting to use the restroom.

Broadcasted on Snapchat:

Once you start paying rent, every joke stops being funny.

Live now on TikTok:

“Home Alone” is a holiday reminder that peace begins the moment everyone leaves the house.

Going viral on Pinterest:

Sunday is proof that time travel exists, because it was just Friday.

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Activity Log ✨

When I’m dying, please rush me to the nearest haunted house. I don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

An entire generation is currently studying for jobs that will not exist.

Whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it.

This email could’ve been sex.

Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”.

I forgot to turn my clocks back and, oh my God, you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.

Naps are tricky. Either you wake up relaxed and refreshed, or you have a headache, a dry throat and no idea what year it is.

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Activity Log ✨

When I’m dying, please rush me to the nearest haunted house. I don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

Keep the laugh going 😂

An entire generation is currently studying for jobs that will not exist.

Whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it.

This email could’ve been sex.

Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”.

I forgot to turn my clocks back and, oh my God, you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.

Naps are tricky. Either you wake up relaxed and refreshed, or you have a headache, a dry throat and no idea what year it is.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨