When I’m dying, please rush me to the nearest haunted house. I don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

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Pool rules: You’re not allowed to do anything that begins with the words ‘Hey everyone watch this!’

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I’m slowly becoming an adult. Please make it stop.

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Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

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Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.

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Messed up and threw a surprise party for my minimalist friend. Now 25 of us are hiding behind the granite orb.

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My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?” And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

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Imagine if every time you stepped into an elevator, it played the “Mission Impossible” theme.

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I’m so old, I still drink my coffee at home in the morning. From a real cup.

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They’re called grown-ups because they groan every time they get up.

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Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit something.