When life gives you lemons, take the lemons. They were a gift. Maybe life thought you liked lemons. Did you think about that? No, you’re always thinking about yourself.

13 shares on Slack this month:

Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.

96 shares on Facebook this month:

My mom didn’t raise a fool. Possibly a psycho, but never a fool.

63 shares on Messenger this month:

Why is everyone against sugar? Who stood beside you when things went wrong and you were sad? It wasn’t lettuce, for sure.

51 shares on Threads this month:

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

39 shares on Discord this month:

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait, no – that was a typo. Food. I try to find the food in every situation.

47 shares on Telegram this month:

My kids couldn’t care less about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere.

43 shares on Telegram this month:

This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.

24 shares on Threads this month:

Don’t let the fact that I’m deeply unserious distract you from the fact that you’re in the presence of a genius.

42 shares on Snapchat this month:

I like you because we hate the same people.

63 shares on TikTok this month:

I live in my own little world. But it’s ok, they know me here.