When life gives you lemons, take the lemons. They were a gift. Maybe life thought you liked lemons. Did you think about that? No, you’re always thinking about yourself.

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My dog and I play this game, it’s called “What Are You Chewing On Now?” It goes both ways.

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Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

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Rule number 1 at a concert: Don’t sing while filming!

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That awkward moment when someone you hate is breathing.

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It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh for longer.

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The volume of my TV is 100% dependent on what I’m currently chewing on.

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Ever looked at your ex and wondered, was I drunk the entire relationship?

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Beer is Narcan for when you overdose on Microsoft Teams.

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You cannot go outside for a year or two. Come back, and the same people still be outside in the same places.

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“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.