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Laundry day is my favorite day of the week. Thatโ€™s why I dress for it every day.

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When someone touches my phone, I automatically turn into a ninja.

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Like most people my age, I’m 50.

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Wearing a condom while she’s on birth control is called two-factor authentication.

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All of humanities problems could be solved with a large meteor.

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Donโ€™t interrupt me while Iโ€™m embarrassing myself.

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Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

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Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

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Yeah, bro, she’s probably just not using her phone right now, for the first time ever in her whole life.

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Being gracefully insane is the secret to a happy life.

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Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?

Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?

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When life gives you existential dread, just remember it's all a yolk! ๐Ÿ•ฐ๏ธ๐Ÿฅš๐Ÿ˜‚

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