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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇲🇩 has copied:

I hate lying to my parents but it’s for their own good.

Someone from 🇱🇰 has bookmarked:

You’re so productive for your wage.

Someone from 🇧🇩 has viewed:

Talking to some people is like folding a fitted sheet.

Someone from 🇲🇽 has bookmarked:

Your problems are neither sexual nor spiritual, they are gastrointestinal.

Someone from 🇸🇪 has downloaded:

The people who “don’t have time” and the people who “always find time” have the same amount of time.

Someone from 🇸🇲 has downloaded:

Do you mind if I smash this object of great sentimental value?

Someone from 🇨🇺 has viewed:

Sometimes my greatest accomplishment is keeping my mouth shut.

Someone from 🇧🇹 has downloaded:

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

Someone from 🇲🇹 has viewed:

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting, until you realize you are the only one in the room.

Someone from 🇨🇻 has viewed:

I wish every day had 30,000 hours, and that I had unlimited Adderall and was unemployed.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

Funny Quotes Topics

17,765

Funny Quotes Images

15,752

Updated

Jan 20, 2026

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3,313

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Pinterest:

I love Fleetwood Mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just not true.

Spotted on Discord:

All roads lead to disappointment.

Live now on Discord:

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

Making waves on X:

Ever since I began sharing dad jokes, my followers have doubled in sighs.

Going viral on Pinterest:

The best way to reach me is with intelligence and humor.

Just shared via Threads:

Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown. Ask yourself why you keep going to the circus.

Live now on Instagram:

Big fan of calling artists their first name and then the band name as their last name.

Spotted on Telegram:

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

Just landed via Facebook:

Hand sanitizer will find a cut you didn’t even know you had.

Women are like a fitted sheet. No matter what you do or how hard you try, they just never seem to cooperate.

2 days ago

Funny Quotes

Humorous quote comparing women to a stubborn fitted sheet, playful and witty in tone.

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Commentary:
Fitted sheets: the ultimate relationship training ground! 😂🛌💪

comparison, cooperation, fitted, fitted sheet, hard, humor, just, matter, never, relationship, sheet, try, woman, women

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12 shares on LinkedIn this month:

If I ever go missing, promise me that you won’t put my weight on the poster.

29 shares on Pinterest this month:

Neurodivergents will be like, ‘I’m so tired,’ and then refuse to sleep because they haven’t had enough me time after surviving the day.

38 shares on TikTok this month:

The three people who like every single one of my posts are going in my will.

21 shares on Discord this month:

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression.

30 shares on Instagram this month:

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover, it’s just Tuesday.

26 shares on Instagram this month:

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble.

84 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Doing dishes is like fighting a hydra — wash one, and two more appear.

24 shares on Twitch this month:

Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.

12 shares on YouTube this month:

Have you ever “accidentally” eaten a family sized bag of chips?

69 shares on Reddit this month:

I’m never early… unless we’re talking about the airport.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇫🇲 has downloaded:

Some days you are the table and some days you are the toe.

Someone from 🇧🇦 has copied:

I call my period Shark week. I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere.

Someone from 🇲🇨 has copied:

Living solo: where pants are optional, and snacks are unlimited.

Someone from 🇰🇬 has shared:

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.

Someone from 🇲🇭 has downloaded:

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat!

Someone from 🇺🇦 has shared:

January 1st always feels like a Sunday, regardless of what day it’s actually on.

Someone from 🇬🇲 has copied:

Why do men stay in the car for minutes after arriving home?

Someone from 🇰🇭 has shared:

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

Someone from 🇸🇱 has downloaded:

If your girlfriend doesn’t go a little psycho on you from time to time, then she’s not in love with you, sweetie.

Someone from 🇹🇭 has viewed:

Each day on Twitter, there is one main character. The goal is to never be it.

Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via YouTube:

You are the wind beneath my overly sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

Broadcasted on Twitch:

There are TV shows that only exist on the screens of girls’ houses you go to one time and never again.

Making waves on LinkedIn:

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.

Going viral on WhatsApp:

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

Spotted on X:

Met a microbiologist once. They’re a lot bigger than I imagined.

Making waves on TikTok:

My husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape, so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband.

Trending via Messenger:

There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing beside you right now and you’d have no idea.

Broadcasted on YouTube:

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now. I really appreciate the opportunity though.

Just shared via Pinterest:

When I learned the word “literally,” that was the beginning of the end.

Freshly posted on Threads:

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

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Activity Log ✨

Women are like a fitted sheet. No matter what you do or how hard you try, they just never seem to cooperate.

No more looking back in anger. It’s time to look forward in anger.

Nobody gets angrier than a man being accused of something he actually did.

Whoever first said, “I’m in a pickle,” must have had the weirdest day.

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today!”

Hold music is annoyingly scratchy and repetitive on purpose, so you will hang up and stop bothering them.

I’m not procrastinating. I’m protecting my peace through active avoidance.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Women are like a fitted sheet. No matter what you do or how hard you try, they just never seem to cooperate.

Keep the laugh going 😂

No more looking back in anger. It’s time to look forward in anger.

Nobody gets angrier than a man being accused of something he actually did.

Whoever first said, “I’m in a pickle,” must have had the weirdest day.

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today!”

Hold music is annoyingly scratchy and repetitive on purpose, so you will hang up and stop bothering them.

I’m not procrastinating. I’m protecting my peace through active avoidance.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨