Women are like a fitted sheet. No matter what you do or how hard you try, they just never seem to cooperate.

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In English we say: “You changed.” But in poetry we say: “You became a stranger wearing the face I used to love, and I am haunted by the ghost of who you were.”

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Just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos.

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Outside letting mosquitoes get some of this.

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Now if you’ll excuse me, today’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.

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I don’t drink and drive, but some people drive me to drink.

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I came, I saw, I took a selfie as proof that I came and saw.

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I’m not like other girls. I don’t have a podcast.

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After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

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Getting an extra 20 minutes in the day when someone cancels a meeting is like finding a penny on the ground. Not gonna use it for anything, but wow, am I excited.

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If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time, the universe will just be like “Lol, nice try, dummy!”