44 funny matter quotes - Wordgag

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

May 24, 2026

Which is it, brain? Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything?

May 23, 2026

Hello taxi, off to Friday please. Money doesn’t matter!

May 23, 2026

Welcome to your 40s! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples.

May 23, 2026

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

May 23, 2026

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

May 22, 2026

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

May 22, 2026

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college. The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

May 21, 2026

No matter how old you are, when the kitchen roll is empty, you have a telescope.

May 21, 2026

No matter how messed up your situation is, someone on Reddit’s already lived it, cried about it, and made a 3-part update with screenshots and farmed 12k upvotes.

May 20, 2026

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

May 20, 2026

No matter how busy I am, I still find time to waste on Twitter.

May 20, 2026

A cheat code to adulting is to always have something to look forward to, no matter how small or big.

May 19, 2026

If you don’t like me, remember: it’s mind over matter. I don’t mind, and you don’t matter.

May 19, 2026

No matter how sad you are, there is some form of potato that can make it better.

May 19, 2026

The best thing about dogs is you can act like something really good just happened, and they’ll instantly start celebrating too. They have no idea what the context is; they’re just always ready to party, no matter what.

May 19, 2026

The worst part about being an adult is that no matter how sad you get, the show must go on.

May 19, 2026

No matter how weird things seem to get, there’s always an episode of The Twilight Zone that was eerily similar.

May 19, 2026

It doesn’t matter how old you are, when it starts thundering and lightning, you go and sit at the window to watch.

May 18, 2026

Women are like a fitted sheet. No matter what you do or how hard you try, they just never seem to cooperate.

May 18, 2026

I found out my husband was cheating on me at a Linkin Park concert. We tried so hard and got so far, but in the end, it didn’t even matter.

May 18, 2026

The hardest part of corporate life is pretending to care about things that don’t matter.

May 6, 2026

All these self-driving vehicles… It’s only a matter of time before we hear a country song about his truck leaving him.

Apr 1, 2026

“I’m not concerned about Netflix buying Warner Brothers. None of this will matter once we evolve gills and start living underwater.”

Apr 1, 2026

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

Apr 1, 2026

A thing I never realized about being an adult is that you will always be cleaning your kitchen. No matter if you get takeout, no matter if you’re gone all day, you will be cleaning the kitchen.

Apr 1, 2026

Normalize saying, “I’m not informed enough to have an opinion on the matter.”

Mar 31, 2026

No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has line danced to Achy Breaky Heart.

Mar 31, 2026

Breaking News: No matter how close you are with your colleagues, never discuss your personal matters at work. Neverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Mar 31, 2026

Just found out it don’t matter how early I go to bed, I just don’t wanna go to work.

Mar 31, 2026

My cat, who has no job and pays no rent, is apparently unhappy with his fancy new cat food, and I, for some reason, am currently on my way back to the store to rectify the matter.

Mar 30, 2026

No matter how small you make that “unsubscribe” link, I’ll still find it.

Mar 30, 2026

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

Mar 30, 2026

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle, you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in, but now it’s the opposite.

Mar 30, 2026

We all have that person who insists on using a blanket on the couch, no matter the weather.

Mar 30, 2026

Wearing white pants today, so it’s really just a matter of time before I spill something on myself.

Mar 29, 2026

Doesn’t matter if the chicken or the egg came first. Still a weird thing to just appear.

Mar 29, 2026

My body is like an elastic band – no matter how I stretch it, it goes back to the nap position.

Mar 28, 2026

It doesn’t matter how bizarre your situation is. Somebody on Reddit already been there, done that.

Mar 28, 2026

No matter how sad their story is, don’t let anybody move into your house.

Mar 28, 2026