Sure, money can’t buy happiness, but it can definitely buy a jet ski… and have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski?

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If I had a dollar for every time someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

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The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time, so it’s more of a surprise.

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Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.

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I’m thinking of maybe killing off a few characters in the book I’m writing. That will really spice up my autobiography.

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Job applications be like “how did you hear about us?”. Bro why, was it a secret?

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Rage bait often works on me because I was already angry before I read that.

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I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

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The light at the end of the tunnel is only the headlight of the oncoming train.

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Going out for two days in a row should really be considered an extreme sport.

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Watching someone else control the computer and doing it differently than you would, is one of life’s greatest challenges.