I just want a bar where I can pour my own drink, have music at a normal volume, and there are no people, and it’s my house.

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Warning: This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

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If you wait until the last minute to do something, it only takes a minute to do it.

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Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

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My burning question is who thought a two day weekend would suffice the human body.

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Imagine hating on me and I’m just sitting there in the corner, in the spotlight, losing my religion.

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I might be annoying, but at least my lock screen isn’t a selfie.

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So you mean to tell me a stress ball is not for throwing at people who stress you out.

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I’ll be like “it is what it is” and almost vomit from anxiety.

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Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.

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Coffee tastes so much better handed to me.