Apparently, all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep, which means he’s already a lot like me.

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They say it is hard to look at lips that you are not allowed to kiss. You do not know how hard it is to look at a face that you are not allowed to hit.

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So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner.

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I have a date and nothing to wear. Or as Nietzsche said: If you stare into a closet long enough, the closet stares back at you.

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We should start referring to age as “levels.” So when you’re level 80, it sounds a lot cooler than just being an older person.

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Blocking me is like blocking the sun, the moon and the stars.

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Person: gives compliment. Me: let me give you a brief synopsis of why you are sorely mistaken.

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“I’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano!” -me, politely declining dates.

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We need a slur for people who use ChatGPT.

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If I was Snow White, you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something.

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Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’.