Been acting really busy today because I can tell my coworker wants to talk about something in his personal life.

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Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

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They say money doesn’t solve all problems, but it will surely solve all of mine.

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Am I finishing my education or is my education finishing me?

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More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

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Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

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Saw a shooting star and made a wish for everyone to stop talking to me.

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My body’s check engine light has been on for years.

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The way turkeys feel about November is probably how treadmills feel about January.

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Hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems. Like, baby, you are supposed to be a mental disorder, please stay in your line.

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Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.