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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇩🇪 has viewed:

You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.

Someone from 🇹🇿 has bookmarked:

Last night my guardian angel came to me, covered me up, gave me a kiss on the forehead and whispered in my ear: “You’re a pain in the ass!”

Someone from 🇸🇴 has downloaded:

Mentally, I’m in a forest screaming. Physically, I’m answering emails with a fake smile and clenched jaw.

Someone from 🇬🇷 has bookmarked:

I think you misunderstood – when I said, “Let me look into it,” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet.”

Someone from 🇬🇶 has copied:

After my death, I’ll be very busy. The list of people to whom I want to appear as a ghost is getting longer every day.

Someone from 🇸🇻 has downloaded:

The adult in the room just addressed the elephant in the room.

Someone from 🇱🇻 has copied:

My husband and I were doing yard work, but I started a fight so I could storm off into the air conditioning.

Someone from 🇬🇷 has downloaded:

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.

Someone from 🇦🇴 has downloaded:

If I was a fish, I’d be smoking all the seaweed.

Someone from 🇱🇺 has downloaded:

I wonder what John Connor thinks now that everyone is embracing AI.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on YouTube:

I hope this email finds you in a well.

Just shared via Snapchat:

My apologies to the Goodreads reviewer who found my novel about vampires on a submarine, “unrealistic.”

Going bananas on LinkedIn:

Romance level: At some point, someone comes by, sees me and thinks: “Oh well, my God, why not?”

Going viral on Twitch:

Jesus Christ. I haven’t seen a meltdown like that since Chernobyl.

Going bananas on Facebook:

Almonds are a scam. They are wood. You are eating wood.

Going viral on WeChat:

Being a writer means knowing exactly how your story ends, and having absolutely no idea how to get there.

Trending via WhatsApp:

Explaining myself is too much work, just judge me.

Seen just now on Messenger:

Ironic that the two ơ’s in “cooperate” insist on having their own separate sounds.

Freshly posted on Messenger:

Paid my rent and slept in every room of my house this week, kitchen and laundry room next.

Shared recently on Messenger:

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?”

Carrying my phone from room to room like a Victorian woman and her lantern.

1 day ago

Funny Quotes

Witty text comparing modern phone use to a Victorian woman's lantern stroll.

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Commentary:
Trying to avoid ghosts of bad WiFi past! 📱🔦😂

analogy, carrying, daily, daily life, habit, humor, lantern, life, modern, modern habit, phone, room, technology, Victorian, Victorian woman, woman

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92 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I think Bigfoot had it right, stay in hiding from all the shitty human beings.

43 shares on TikTok this month:

Nothing prepared me for how much of my adult life would be spent hiding from people I know at the grocery store.

64 shares on Twitch this month:

Why trust atoms? Because they’ve never been caught fibbing, just fission.

86 shares on Threads this month:

Mashed potatoes are just German guacamole.

28 shares on Reddit this month:

I was going to go for a run, then realized I could just run my mouth on here.

56 shares on Facebook this month:

If you think someone has put a spell on you, send me $500 and I’ll get rid of it.

25 shares on Facebook this month:

I’ve woken up yet again without an emotional support capybara.

76 shares on Instagram this month:

Crazy how many organs in your body are dedicated to the poopification of dinner.

84 shares on Messenger this month:

Cats love to wake you up and go back to sleep. It’s part of their culture.

28 shares on YouTube this month:

Hangman is so great. No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇸🇹 has bookmarked:

Gay? We don’t use that word anymore. Person of rainbow.

Someone from 🇰🇮 has bookmarked:

Smash Mouth was so right, the years really do start coming and they don’t stop coming.

Someone from 🇮🇹 has bookmarked:

3 friends is enough. 1 for the movie theater, 1 for drinks and apps, 1 for texting concerning mental health information.

Someone from 🇸🇹 has downloaded:

What pushes you to watch 19 seasons of people in a hospital?

Someone from 🇸🇿 has bookmarked:

She is so narcissistic that her narcissism has narcissism.

Someone from 🇨🇫 has shared:

The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.

Someone from 🇧🇾 has viewed:

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

Someone from 🇿🇼 has downloaded:

Babe, are you OK? You’ve barely fulfilled the prophecy.

Someone from 🇳🇷 has shared:

“I need a movie where the villain actually won!” Have you tried watching the news?

Someone from 🇧🇷 has downloaded:

Writing cover letters feels soooo “Ever since I was a little boy, I knew I wanted to be an administrative assistant when I grew up.”

Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on Twitch:

My showers take so long because I always hold a shower concert.

Freshly posted on Telegram:

I always tell my kids that it’s okay to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

Freshly posted on Reddit:

Hey boy, are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 10 minutes last.

Live now on YouTube:

Here’s what I’ve learned since I’ve been on social media: I’m not nearly as disturbed as I thought I was.

Broadcasted on X:

Sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder. Should I just start reading it aloud?

Making waves on Pinterest:

I always leave my friends voicemails in case they suddenly decide to be a musician and need an interlude.

Making waves on Discord:

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

Just landed via YouTube:

As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I’m totally flexible.

Making waves on LinkedIn:

What’s my net worth? Buddy, I don’t own a net.

Going bananas on Threads:

The real reason for global warming is that today’s young people are nowhere near as cool as we were back then.

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Activity Log ✨

Carrying my phone from room to room like a Victorian woman and her lantern.

An internship is only unpaid if you don’t steal enough.

Another beautiful day, ruined by responsibility.

I’ve been saying for years that cigs are better for you than vapes, and the vindication I feel now is just orgasmic.

Co-worker: You look so unapproachable. Me: Yet, here you are.

Just realized when I get a partner, that means my family is gonna know that I have feelings.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Carrying my phone from room to room like a Victorian woman and her lantern.

Keep the laugh going 😂

An internship is only unpaid if you don’t steal enough.

Another beautiful day, ruined by responsibility.

I’ve been saying for years that cigs are better for you than vapes, and the vindication I feel now is just orgasmic.

Starting an OnlyFans, but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks.

Co-worker: You look so unapproachable. Me: Yet, here you are.

Just realized when I get a partner, that means my family is gonna know that I have feelings.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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