Crying while wearing a backpack has unlocked a new level of humiliation I did not know was possible.

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A Jackie Chan fight scene where he’s in an IKEA warehouse and he fights off dudes with furniture pieces, but by the end he’s accidentally assembled it all into a complete Malm bedroom set.

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Mentally saying “Wed-Nes-Day” when writing the word Wednesday.

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I’m not “dating to marry” or “dating for fun.” I’m dating for a secret third reason.

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By the time I remember to text back, it be too disrespectful to even do it.

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People who cook breakfast before going to work are too mature for me.

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Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

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Of course, my summer body is ready; it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

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They should name a personality disorder after me.

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Sometimes, when you go with the flow you end up drowning with everyone else.

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I want the job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.