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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇹🇱 has bookmarked:

Someone from 🇨🇳 has downloaded:

I don’t abuse substances. I cherish and nurture them.

Someone from 🇹🇻 has downloaded:

I don’t want to adult today, I just want to dog. I’ll be lying down on the floor in the sun, you can pet me and bring me some snacks.

Someone from 🇪🇪 has viewed:

Getting paid to sleep would be such a dream job.

Someone from 🇦🇺 has shared:

I’ve got 50 minutes to make it look like I’ve been flossing for the last 6 months.

Someone from 🇹🇭 has viewed:

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long. Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long.

Someone from 🇩🇿 has shared:

Someone taking your parking space at your own home is a different type of anger.

Someone from 🇱🇹 has bookmarked:

I bought a watermelon and all I can think about is filling it with vodka.

Someone from 🇦🇱 has viewed:

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

Someone from 🇧🇼 has viewed:

I don’t want your hoodie, I want your still-beating heart presented to me in a box.

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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3,391

Social Media Log 💫

Going viral on X:

I miss you (the money I spent).

Shared recently on Pinterest:

My 3 weeks without sweets were over after 12 hours. Proof that time runs faster with increasing age.

Spotted on Snapchat:

People who shower at night are bold enough to assume tomorrow’s even happening.

Just landed via Telegram:

Oops, I think I’ve had a little too much to think.

Broadcasted on X:

Facing my uncle’s dreaded lightning bolt attack at the Thanksgiving dinner table.

Seen just now on TikTok:

Good morning only to the complexity and uncertainty of everything.

Going viral on YouTube:

Some people you look at or hear talking and think to yourself, the wheel may be turning, but the hamster is dead.

Just shared via Slack:

I personally feel like I have what it takes to become a fossil.

Spotted on WeChat:

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

Just landed via Facebook:

GTA6 should have streams and wetlands so we can work to conserve and restore them.

Dissecting an alien and getting bitterly jealous at their crazy organs.

6 days ago

Funny Quotes

Funny quote about dissecting an alien and feeling jealous of its bizarre organs.

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Commentary:
Feeling green with envy over that Martian's six-pack liver! 👽🛸😂

alien, crazy, dissecting, getting, humor, jealous, jealousy, organ, organs

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91 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Perks of being ugly: phone battery lasts longer.

31 shares on WeChat this month:

Your dog immediately knows you’re leaving when you put on nice clothes… only because you usually look homeless when you’re at home.

71 shares on Instagram this month:

Some of you are still single because, when someone sends you romantic words, you reply with “hahaha.”

36 shares on Instagram this month:

So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses.

43 shares on Facebook this month:

If caterpillars are able to sleep for a long time and come out prettier, why cant I?

60 shares on Snapchat this month:

I dreamt this night that I had died and when I woke up, a piece of me was actually already stiff.

32 shares on TikTok this month:

Applying for jobs feels like auditioning to be enthusiastic about a blind date you haven’t even met yet.

40 shares on Facebook this month:

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier.

38 shares on Twitch this month:

Sparkling water tastes like that feeling when your foot falls asleep.

11 shares on WhatsApp this month:

The amount of people who “find God” after doing something evil needs to be studied.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇧🇸 has bookmarked:

Hey, I noticed you’re not saying what I want.

Someone from 🇾🇪 has shared:

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s way more embarrassing.

Someone from 🇦🇫 has viewed:

Back to work at last! I couldn’t sleep for sheer anticipation.

Someone from 🇱🇹 has downloaded:

“I don’t do politics.” Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

Someone from 🇮🇸 has viewed:

Cheesecake dislikers are attention seekers.

Someone from 🇳🇴 has downloaded:

I’ve used dark mode so much that I’m physically repulsed by white screens now.

Someone from 🇱🇹 has copied:

Moose would have been a better name for a cow.

Someone from 🇬🇹 has bookmarked:

If you don’t have at least one white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.

Someone from 🇩🇪 has viewed:

God’s plan for me does not involve LinkedIn at all.

Someone from 🇨🇳 has bookmarked:

I’d log off, but I get so tired of hearing myself talk.

Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on Instagram:

My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.

Just landed via Discord:

It’s a shame that the know-it-alls know everything better but don’t do anything better.

Just shared via Twitch:

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

Freshly posted on LinkedIn:

I don’t want your hoodie, I want your still-beating heart presented to me in a box.

Freshly posted on LinkedIn:

All these years on the internet we have been working for artificial intelligence.

Spreading quickly via YouTube:

If a man says “I don’t deserve you,” believe him. Because he is about to show you why.

Live now on LinkedIn:

It seems really unfair that my future depends on me.

Just landed via X:

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door.

Shared recently on YouTube:

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity?

Seen just now on X:

Womansplaining is when a woman tries to explain to you what you’re thinking/feeling, and is just totally 100% wrong.

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Activity Log ✨

Dissecting an alien and getting bitterly jealous at their crazy organs.

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

I’m going to be real with you. My dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon.

The October urge to live in a sleepy seaside town with a horrifying backstory.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed their chest because of their belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

A haunted house, but it’s just you inside your own head.

Men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look into each other’s eyes.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Dissecting an alien and getting bitterly jealous at their crazy organs.

Keep the laugh going 😂

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

I’m going to be real with you. My dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon.

The October urge to live in a sleepy seaside town with a horrifying backstory.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed their chest because of their belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

A haunted house, but it’s just you inside your own head.

Men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look into each other’s eyes.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨