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For someone who is afraid of failure, I’m very unmotivated.

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Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.

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Just as “magic spells” use special rhymes and archaic terms to signal their power, the convoluted language of legalese acts to convey a sense of authority.

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My bad for thinking everyone has common sense.

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If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, then plug me back in. See if that works.

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My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.

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I like how people say “manage your depression,” like it’s a stock portfolio, but you’re heavily invested in sadness.

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When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

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I love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard.

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I often wonder how men could discover entire continents. Mine can’t even find the butter in the fridge.