Drugs and alcohol take years off your life and give them to Keith Richards.

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Great minds think alike, but so do stupid ones.

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I bought a watermelon and all I can think about is filling it with vodka.

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You want me to attend a work meeting? The thing that killed Julius Caesar?

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Being an adult is getting excited about buying new appliances.

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In honor of the last eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

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Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me, I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.

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The sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines.

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If you’re riding a bike in New York City, it means you care about your health. Riding one in Tennessee means you got a DUI.

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Babe, are you okay? You’ve barely touched your unread books.

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Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed their chest because of their belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.