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I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

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Could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to Capri Sun my legs all summer?

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Unfortunately, I will continue to get sexier and funnier.

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Chuck Norris can rub two fires together to get a piece of wood.

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I like my men like I like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

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We do it every night. Annoy each other.

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Almost all of my bad decisions are food-related.

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I’ve worn oversized T-shirts so much that I suffocate if I wear one that actually fits.

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Started from the bottom, now we a little bit above the bottom.

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Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window.