FaceTiming me is for platinum members only.

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The main problem is that far too many people have far too easy access to podcast equipment.

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One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.

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I need a massage for my brain.

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Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song.

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Nobody stresses a woman out more than a man who isn’t her man yet.

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I accidentally take a screenshot of my phone background at least once a week.

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Nobody could stop me if I wasn’t tired all the time.

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Farmers markets should be for vegetables — not for millennials unloading their failed Etsy-store arts and crafts.

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Once you’ve been single for a long time, you realize how exhausting relationships can be.

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People who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything.