Funny serpent quotes

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The older I get, the more I respect Sleeping Beauty. She took one look at the world and said, “Nah.”

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My wife just pulled me into the other room, and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk, but she just wanted to give me M&M’s without the kids seeing.

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When people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it,” I’m like, “Oh, you do not know what I’m capable of.”

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Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘I don’t know how to hold a pencil.’

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When you accidentally laugh at your own thoughts, and now people are staring.

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Everyone’s an empath until I need to borrow some cash.

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There is absolutely no excuse for laziness. But if you find one, let me know.