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Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles.

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Got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, Scotty” a few too many times.

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I hate having a messy house. Not enough to actually clean it, but enough to give it a disgusted stare while I peacefully relax on the couch.

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I am in favor of equal pay for men on OnlyFans.

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To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time, same place.

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Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine. Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

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Are you spaghetti because I want you to meat my balls?

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There are no laws against pineapples on pizza.