Getting out of a sports bra looks like it should be a professional women’s sport.

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I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today!”

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I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

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Wild how we don’t get a public holiday for Wrestlemania, but okay.

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If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

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Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

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Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.

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I hope nobody sees me eating by myself and feels sorry for me. I’m having the time of my life.

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Everyone becomes a robo-dancer when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.

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I thought my mixed signals were perfectly clear.

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The fact that I have more clothes to sleep in than I do to go out in says a lot about who I am as a person.