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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇧🇫 has shared:

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

Someone from 🇮🇪 has copied:

Sugar held my hand through every breakup.

Someone from 🇧🇹 has shared:

Don’t ever let your computer feel that you’re in a hurry, cause they’re gonna slow down more.

Someone from 🇻🇳 has copied:

Gosh, being a princess is exhausting.

Someone from 🇰🇷 has bookmarked:

Butterflies all seem so nice but I’ll bet some of them are real bastards.

Someone from 🇳🇿 has viewed:

Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up.

Someone from 🇮🇸 has downloaded:

Sawing a hole in a table from underneath to steal a cake is a lot harder than cartoons would have you believe.

Someone from 🇳🇦 has copied:

Interrupt my sleep and I’ll interrupt your breathing.

Someone from 🇹🇩 has shared:

I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.

Someone from 🇲🇹 has downloaded:

Diet tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

2414 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

12,576

Funny Quotes Topics

15,246

Funny Quotes Images

12,576

Updated

58 minutes ago

Users Online

3,440

Social Media Log 💫

Broadcasted on Snapchat:

I love dogs with human names because you get to say things like Bob pooped on the rug again.

Going viral on TikTok:

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

Trending via Reddit:

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

Making waves on WhatsApp:

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot.

Freshly posted on Telegram:

Crossing things off my to-do list… I didn’t do them, I just don’t want them on my list anymore.

Reported on WeChat:

Welcome to your 40s—you run out of breath trying to find your running shoes.

Spotted on Slack:

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

Shared recently on Pinterest:

Hear me out: agenda reveal parties for people we don’t trust.

Shared recently on Instagram:

Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.

Spotted on Messenger:

Cupid’s arrow should have just killed me instead.

Girls be like, “I know a spot,” then sacrifice you under the full moon.

3 weeks ago

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Commentary:
When she says "I know a spot," better hope it's brunch, not rituals! 🌕😂🔮

dating, full, full moon, girl, girls, humor, i, joke, know, lunar, moon, playful, sacrifice, spot, supernatural, under

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Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇵🇭 has shared:

Ah, the magical land of Monday—the gift that keeps not giving!

Someone from 🇨🇱 has bookmarked:

Jurassic Park came out decades ago, and now I feel like a fossil.

Someone from 🇪🇹 has copied:

Everybody has a girlfriend and a boyfriend, and I’m over here like “I love food”.

Someone from 🇲🇳 has downloaded:

My thighs are bigger than my chances in life.

Someone from 🇵🇦 has copied:

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

Someone from 🇲🇹 has copied:

People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.

Someone from 🇧🇾 has shared:

Self-discipline is tough because I’m the boss of me, and that guy runs a real loose ship.

Someone from 🇿🇲 has downloaded:

Pretending you don’t notice people staring at you is a skill.

Someone from 🇧🇧 has copied:

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

Someone from 🇳🇵 has downloaded:

I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.

Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on Telegram:

This meeting should’ve been a fist fight.

Just shared via WeChat:

My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

Spreading quickly via Instagram:

I like my bed more than I like most people.

Just shared via X:

Getting paid 26 times in 365 days is not my destiny.

Reported on Instagram:

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying “What?” to this person?

Spotted on Threads:

The term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what I aspire to be.

Going viral on LinkedIn:

No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has line danced to Achy Breaky Heart.

Just landed via YouTube:

Thank God my pets can’t talk. They simply know too much.

Freshly posted on WeChat:

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza. When do they kick in?

Broadcasted on Discord:

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

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Girls be like, “I know a spot,” then sacrifice you under the full moon.

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Trending Funny Quotes 📈

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me when it took 5-7 seconds to take it out?

Polar bears drinking Coca Cola is my favorite holiday vibe.

Asking a film guy, “Who is that?” when Tom Cruise comes on screen just to feel something.

Did I eat too much candy today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

“It can’t get any worse than this”, I lie to myself knowing it will absolutely get worse.

Brushing your teeth at night is a hellish chore. Walking from bed to bathroom feels harder than working in the mines all day. I’m getting pissed just thinking about it.

I’m sorry I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.

Proverbs are so mean. Like, I don’t deserve any worm because I woke up at 11am? Like, no worm at all?

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

Trending Topics 📁

Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Apparently, “I just don’t want to” is not a valid reason when your boss asks you why you’re not coming in today.

Spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife, so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic.

Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium. Me: OMg.

Call me dramatic, but I think I deserve a love confession in the rain.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

I will never understand why our washing machines feel the need to lie about how much time is left. If you need more time, just let me know, that’s fine.

How about hold me as tight as you’re holding onto that grudge?

Weight gain makes me sad. Luckily, eating cheers me right back up.

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

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Girls be like, “I know a spot,” then sacrifice you under the full moon.

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