Having a daughter is like having a little broke best friend who thinks you’re rich.

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I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

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Sex is cool but have you ever had your bed all to yourself.

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I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don’t want to see you every day.

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Ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to leave work early.

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My boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner, “sometime,” so now we have to move.

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On the one hand, I’d love to look sexy in a bikini. On the other hand, there’s cake.

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Life is just a vicious cycle of needing to go to the grocery store.

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I can melt an ice cube just by staring at it. It takes a while, but I can do it.

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Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

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Being an adult is when you ask the babysitter when you should be home.