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Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will be acting weird today.

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Dry January is so funny. People are like, “How can I make the worst month of the year even worse?”

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My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much pizza.

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Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone. No plans of escaping.

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Some 100 private jets will fly to Venice for Jeff Bezos’ wedding, and I recycle yoghurt cup lids.

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Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up? I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had.

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Don’t study, get slutty!

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If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.

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Gonna spend today following my cats into the kitchen and meowing at them until they give me treats.

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I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.