I grew up ugly, so I had to be funny, and then got hot in my twenties, so that’s how I became perfect.

Someone from 🇧🇹 has downloaded:

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

Someone from 🇨🇾 has downloaded:

Being the forward-thinking person I am, I kept my winter fat through the summer.

Someone from 🇱🇮 has shared:

I’m now at the age where happy hour is a nap.

Someone from 🇦🇸 has shared:

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news.

Someone from 🇱🇧 has downloaded:

Sorry, I’m late. I found my old CD collection.

Someone from 🇧🇹 has downloaded:

You can say “Have a nice day,” no problem, but saying “Enjoy the next 24 hours” sounds vaguely threatening.

Someone from 🇧🇭 has copied:

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

Someone from 🇷🇸 has viewed:

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

Someone from 🇲🇱 has bookmarked:

Depression is embarrassing because sometimes it makes you miss appointments and not return phone calls, and when the fog starts to lift, you gotta do a whole bloody apology tour.

Someone from 🇨🇴 has copied:

Just once I’d like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear “Monday has been cancelled,” and then go back to sleep.