I hate when I forget to say something during an argument. Like, hey, let’s argue again, I got better material now.

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Sharing wired earphones is a forgotten form of intimacy.

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I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does.

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Might mess around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.

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An apple a day may keep the doctor away, but some silly a day keeps the boredom at bay.

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Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong here.

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Being the forward-thinking person I am, I kept my winter fat through the summer.

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There’s nothing more satisfying than the little nap you have after hitting snooze on your alarm.