I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

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Sorry, Mom, I can’t go outside, I’m ugly.

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My anti-theft device in my car is that it’s manual.

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Facebook: because time isn’t going to pass on it’s own.

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My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun.

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I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted.

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Nicknamed my iPhone Lois Lane because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses on either.

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Some of you are out here driving like your turn signal’s free trial ended and you’re all out of blinks.

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They said I can never go back to that Vietnamese spot. They banh mi pho life.

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Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts.

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Your honor, my client would like to play on his phone for a little bit