I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

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Wealthy person who has no problems and also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

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Kendrick inspires me to be a bigger, deeper, more passionate hater.

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It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have any songs about showing people to their seats.

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If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

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Not to brag, but I just stood up without making a sound. Don’t be jealous.

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I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

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I forgot my password, failed the captcha and have been accused of being a robot. I don’t even know how to fight these allegations.

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Now that the nights are getting cooler again, spiders often hide in your bed in search of warmth. Sleep well!

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That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test.

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Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.